Making life suck less

Where shall I begin? As I've mentioned, I don't want this blog to focus on how to figure out whether or not you have depression, when to get help, what to take, etc. I want to chronicle my journey of living and (hopefully) prospering despite having depression and struggling with it even after the pills have worked their magic. I remember when I first was diagnosed with depression as a senior in college. It had taken me years to even decide I needed to see a shrink, and the first time I saw a campus psychologist she was terribly mousey and made me feel like a lab experiment that was on the verge of writing at any moment. I never went back to her. Then I found out there was another counselor, so I gave him a shot. He had Pink Floyd music playing in the background, and kind of reminded me of my dad. Most importantly, he didn't make me feel crazy. So I kept talking to him, and, after he and I agreed that I was a text book example of depression, I started on the pills, which, after many long, frustrating months, finally lifted the big black cloud under which I had been drowning. Of course, the pills don't fix everything, and I still struggle with my little gray thunder cloud (no longer big, black, and ominous) on a daily basis. I'm usually not as happy as everyone around me, not as warm around other people, not as rational as most adults, and significantly less concerned with what I'm "supposed" to be doing. All that can get me in trouble sometimes, but that's just part of the struggle I've gotten used to by living with depression. My biggest goal on a daily basis to help me feel more "normal" (whatever that is) is to find a way to be happy every day, even if only for a short while. So part of this blog will be me making a list of things that make me happy. I actually got the idea of making such a list from a book on how to write a novel, which was a gift from my boyfriend for my birthday. The book said that in a Woody Allen movie the character's shrink suggests he make a list of 100 reasons not to die/ 100 things that make life with living. It ties into research that has shown (both clinically and in my own experience, that gratitude is a major key to living happily. This also ties into my faith in God, by remembering all the things I have to thank Him for. Which also reminds me that I should stop being selfish and thinking of myself all the time. 100 things that make life worth living: part 1 1. God To be continued...

I have depression. Took me 22 years too realize it, but now, after four years of being pretty heavily (legally) medicated, I mostly can live a normal life. It seems like every time I tell someone that I have depression they assume I'm just being dramatic and making excuses for not wanting to do things. Or they think I'm trying to get sympathy or attention. I've just assumed I'm the odd one and stopped talking about it. A few weeks ago, however, I saw the movie, "Silver Linings Playbook,"and I realized from its high ratings and v popularity, I must not be the only one out there who's a little screwy upstairs. But this isn't about dealing with depression, how and when to seek help, why you shouldn't commit suicide, and all that. This is about what happens when you realize, after you're on your meds, talked shrinks' ears of, etc, this is as good as it gets. How do I deal with the conclusion that this is how I will live my life with depression. I've controlled it as much as the beast of depression can be controlled, and now I have to live with it. Some days it doesn't work. My meds are down the hatch for the day, but I still can barely get out of bed. My body feels like a ton of bricks and my head feels full of smoke. Some days I wake up in a great, cheerful, rambunctious mid and I feel fantastic, and then I get half way through my day and I feel like I've fallen into a pit. Sometimes writing helps, since it's one of my favorite passions, but then again depression is often known to cause a loss of interest in everything you once loved. Sometimes working out helps, but when your body feels like a ton of bricks it's easier said than done. I don't intend for this to be a place for me to whine and complain about how bad my life is, because it's not that bad. I simply hope to chronicle my own struggles with depression and hopefully inspire others to overcome theirs.